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Cultural shock on international love: Western girlfriend’s complaint on her Chinese boyfriend

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I really love my boyfriend, but he is pretty much against emotional expression. He doesn't like to say those three little words that women (Western, at least) oh so love to hear. He also doesn't like to give compliments (or even acknowledgments, I won't be greedy), whether it's about me personally, or about something that I have done in an attempt to make him happy or impress him. I just really only want to make him happy, and get some feedback when I try. Or some feedback on how he truly feels about me and what he thinks about me.
我很爱我的男朋友,但是他相当不喜欢情感的表达。他就是不想说女人们(至少是西方女人)超级想听的那三个字。而且他也很反感赞美我;无论是我个人,还是我做的那些想让他开心或者感动的事情(哪怕是感谢,我真的一点都不贪心…)。我真的只是想让他开心,并且得到一点回报。或者了解他在心里是怎么看待我的。

It's like, I can see the hamster on the wheel sometimes. I can see a faint glimmer of a reaction arising. Annnnnnnd, nope. There's nothing. Maybe just an awkwardly dismissive, "Uhhhh huh." Or a, "Right, right, riiiiiight, silly." Or if I'm really persistent, a, "Yes, '(Whatever I just asked quoted back to me in affirmation)'."
这就像是,当我看见仓鼠踩着轮子的时候,能看见一些隐隐约约、模糊存在的什么东西。但~~~~~~~是,并没有,他对我什么都没有,准确的说是不屑一顾  “嗯..哼” 或者是 “好,好,好~~~~~好蠢‘。当我执意坚持的时候, ”YES“(无论我刚刚问了什么他都会这样回我)


I'm very expressive. I tell him why I love him, why I'm grateful to be with him, and how he makes me happy. Okay, I don't expect the same level of expression out of him, but the basics would be nice! He maintains that he told me from the start that he is not into the mushy gushy sweet talk stuff, but if it had been as bad then as it is now, I would've never dated him in the first place. No flirting? No romance? No nothing? No way…

我是个很外向的人,我告诉他我爱他,为什么我很感激他,还有他怎么样让我很开心。好吧,我并不指望他也表达到这种水平,但是起码给一点反应啊!但他坚持着他从最开始就说的话“我并不会说那些黏糊的甜言蜜语。”早知如此,我绝对不会和他约一次(!) 没有调情?没有浪漫?什么都没有?没门!

 

He insists that he's very invested in our future together. He has never violated my trust, nor have I violated his. He moved back to China (which he loathes) to be with me last year. We share money and give it back and forth like it's a hot potato. We don't get sick of each other, or feel the need to have "space". We are goofy together, laugh at ourselves, and enjoy each other's humor. That's a lot more than a lot of couples could hope for.
他坚持他在我俩共同面对的未来中有更多的主导权。他也从没有辜负我的信任,当然我也没有辜负过他的。他去年搬回了中国(虽然他不喜欢)然后和我在一起。我们一起用钱,而且把钱推过来推过去的,就像是烫手山芋一样。我们并不会对彼此感到厌倦,或者说会想要有点自己的“空间”之类的。我们在一起时彼此真心相待,常常开怀大笑,而且也很享受彼此的幽默。这已经比许多情侣所期待的关系好多了。

He argue that it's just a cultural difference, and I can agree with this up to a certain point. However, at which point is this getting into a guy not responding to the emotional needs of his girlfriend? He wants a wife and kids, but to me, it almost feels like I've passed the preliminary screening and I'm an acceptable fit for the vacancy in his life.
他认为这只是文化差异的问题,而且我在一定程度上也同意他的这个观点。然而,到底在何种程度上才会使一个男生不会对他女朋友的情感需求有所回应呢?他想要有一个老婆和孩子,但是对我来说,这感觉上像是我已经通过了初步筛选然后成为了一个可以填补其生命空缺角色的合适(候选人)。

 

I feel like he concentrates more on the roles in the relationship, and functioning as society would ideally have it, as opposed to both of us as individuals (Yeah, I know, spare me the Confucius, please). Is that really the bottom line for so many Chinese men? Have they really gotten to a point where they stop inspecting the car, so long as the engine works? There's no point of delving further into the relationship to find joy in that human connection?
我感觉他更多地在关系互动中关注角色,以及社会对于这些角色的理想定位,而不会将我们两个人看做是不同的个体。(是的,我知道我这样的观点不符合儒家思想。)难道这就是中国男人的底线吗?难道他们是只要车子引擎能运转就不再关注整辆车(的其他价值和意义)了吗?难道他们认为在今后长远的关系中不断地挖掘和发现彼此,去找寻更多的欢乐,这样做是没有意义的吗?

 

I've explained to him how (I'd like to think) most western women work. We're a bit more independent. I don't need you to put on my coat to show me that you love me. I don't need you to go out and make all the money while I sit on my fat ass at home. I don't need lots of overpriced crap.
我已经向她解释了(我所认为)大部分西方女性是如何生活的。我们更加独立。我不需要你穿上我给你买的衣服,以此表明你爱我。我不需你外出赚钱养家,而我却在家享受。我不需要很多华而不实的东西。

Let's just be as 50/50 in everything as much as possible. At the end of the day, I just want someone that doesn't mind letting me know that I'm special to them. Saying what you claim that you're already feeling doesn't cost a month's salary, let alone a day's. It doesn't require so much physical exertion. To him, however, it requires a taxing amount of mental effort, and that's where we disconnect.
让我们尽可能一起完成所有的事情。每天,都希望你知道我只爱你。把你真实感受到的讲出来又不花你一个月的薪水,一天的也花不了。说出来花那么大体力吗。不需要太多的努力。然而对于他来说,却不是这样,这是我们有分歧的地方。

He's tall, educated, and handsome. He's not rich (at least not yet), but he's got no worries. His English is excellent. He's got visas to just about anywhere that he wants to go.
他高大,学历好,也很帅。他不是很富有(至少目前还没),但他生活无忧。他的英语很棒。他拥有签证,想去哪就去哪。

 

But I feel that I could be the most shallow and vapid person on earth, and as long as I were to have his children, not cheat on him, and not make his life utterly unbearable, he would continue to stick with it until the end of time.
但我感觉到,我好像是这世界上最肤浅、最阴暗的人。只要我给他生孩子,只要我不欺骗他,只要不让他的无法忍受,他就会一直陪我到时间的尽头。

TL:DR – Chinese boyfriend doesn't like the emotional/sentimental aspects of a relationship, but wants to be married with five kids as soon as yesterday.
总而言之:中国男朋友不喜欢爱情中精神层面的东西,但想要尽快的拥有孩子。

2016-06-23

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