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Cultural shock on international love: Western girlfriend’s complaint on her Chinese boyfriend


I really love my boyfriend, but he is pretty much against emotional expression. He doesn't like to say those three little words that women (Western, at least) oh so love to hear. He also doesn't like to give compliments (or even acknowledgments, I won't be greedy), whether it's about me personally, or about something that I have done in an attempt to make him happy or impress him. I just really only want to make him happy, and get some feedback when I try. Or some feedback on how he truly feels about me and what he thinks about me.

It's like, I can see the hamster on the wheel sometimes. I can see a faint glimmer of a reaction arising. Annnnnnnd, nope. There's nothing. Maybe just an awkwardly dismissive, "Uhhhh huh." Or a, "Right, right, riiiiiight, silly." Or if I'm really persistent, a, "Yes, '(Whatever I just asked quoted back to me in affirmation)'."
这就像是,当我看见仓鼠踩着轮子的时候,能看见一些隐隐约约、模糊存在的什么东西。但~~~~~~~是,并没有,他对我什么都没有,准确的说是不屑一顾  “嗯..哼” 或者是 “好,好,好~~~~~好蠢‘。当我执意坚持的时候, ”YES“(无论我刚刚问了什么他都会这样回我)

I'm very expressive. I tell him why I love him, why I'm grateful to be with him, and how he makes me happy. Okay, I don't expect the same level of expression out of him, but the basics would be nice! He maintains that he told me from the start that he is not into the mushy gushy sweet talk stuff, but if it had been as bad then as it is now, I would've never dated him in the first place. No flirting? No romance? No nothing? No way…

我是个很外向的人,我告诉他我爱他,为什么我很感激他,还有他怎么样让我很开心。好吧,我并不指望他也表达到这种水平,但是起码给一点反应啊!但他坚持着他从最开始就说的话“我并不会说那些黏糊的甜言蜜语。”早知如此,我绝对不会和他约一次(!) 没有调情?没有浪漫?什么都没有?没门!


He insists that he's very invested in our future together. He has never violated my trust, nor have I violated his. He moved back to China (which he loathes) to be with me last year. We share money and give it back and forth like it's a hot potato. We don't get sick of each other, or feel the need to have "space". We are goofy together, laugh at ourselves, and enjoy each other's humor. That's a lot more than a lot of couples could hope for.

He argue that it's just a cultural difference, and I can agree with this up to a certain point. However, at which point is this getting into a guy not responding to the emotional needs of his girlfriend? He wants a wife and kids, but to me, it almost feels like I've passed the preliminary screening and I'm an acceptable fit for the vacancy in his life.


I feel like he concentrates more on the roles in the relationship, and functioning as society would ideally have it, as opposed to both of us as individuals (Yeah, I know, spare me the Confucius, please). Is that really the bottom line for so many Chinese men? Have they really gotten to a point where they stop inspecting the car, so long as the engine works? There's no point of delving further into the relationship to find joy in that human connection?


I've explained to him how (I'd like to think) most western women work. We're a bit more independent. I don't need you to put on my coat to show me that you love me. I don't need you to go out and make all the money while I sit on my fat ass at home. I don't need lots of overpriced crap.

Let's just be as 50/50 in everything as much as possible. At the end of the day, I just want someone that doesn't mind letting me know that I'm special to them. Saying what you claim that you're already feeling doesn't cost a month's salary, let alone a day's. It doesn't require so much physical exertion. To him, however, it requires a taxing amount of mental effort, and that's where we disconnect.

He's tall, educated, and handsome. He's not rich (at least not yet), but he's got no worries. His English is excellent. He's got visas to just about anywhere that he wants to go.


But I feel that I could be the most shallow and vapid person on earth, and as long as I were to have his children, not cheat on him, and not make his life utterly unbearable, he would continue to stick with it until the end of time.

TL:DR – Chinese boyfriend doesn't like the emotional/sentimental aspects of a relationship, but wants to be married with five kids as soon as yesterday.


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